


Say Goodnight, Our First Goodbye

by agape_eternal



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-24
Updated: 2012-08-24
Packaged: 2017-11-12 19:11:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/494699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agape_eternal/pseuds/agape_eternal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Home is where the heart is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Goodnight, Our First Goodbye

 

Michael hates being away from Ryan. The times that he’s in Ann Arbor or Baltimore are hard—on both of them really. Sure, they call and text, e-mail and IM, but it’s not the same as being with each other in person. Michael misses the physicality of their relationship. When his family’s around, it’s a little easier, it helps ease the loneliness, but he still misses Ryan something fierce. He misses that closeness, that bond that he has with the other swimmer, that he can ask him whatever, even if it’s stupid, and get an answer, and more importantly, not be made fun of—well not seriously anyway. And even though he doesn’t admit it, it makes him kinda achy when he has to hang up, sign off, or leave when they do get to spend time together. That kinda scares him, but it’s just grown to be part of how they interact.   
  
So when his agent finally gives him some time off, and the rest of the world is finally letting him breathe, he calls Ryan’s mom and tells her he wants to visit Ryan—which she’s taken aback as to why he’s calling HER—but that he wants it to be a surprise—and then she understands WHY.  
  
“Ryan will love that. He’s missed you a lot since you guys last saw each other.”  
  
“Really?” Because Michael thinks that since Ryan has Kyle and all his other friends—and he’s never really as lonely as Michael is when they’re not together—he really wouldn’t. It makes him smile.   
  
“Of course. He calls and rambles on and on about you, about how much he hates it when you sign off or you guys can’t talk on the phone. You’re really his closest friend.”  
  
“But…I thought…Kyle…” He can’t really get his thoughts together, much less out, because he thought only HE felt like that.   
  
“You’ve sorta taken over Michael. Anyway, let me know when and where your flight’s coming into. I’ll let Ryan know, I’ll say he has to pick up one of his cousins or something.”  
  
“Thanks…I really appreciate it.”  
  
“Anytime.”   
  
Michael gets on his laptop and signs into MSN. Ryan isn’t on which makes him kinda sad, but happy at the same time. He’s not the greatest at keeping secrets and thinks that maybe it’s for the best. He signs back out and looks up flights as close to Gainesville as possible. 

+

“Already booked a flight?” Ileana laughs when Michael calls back. She glances at the clock on the microwave—not even a whole hour.   
  
“Uh…yeah.” Michael’s slightly embarrassed.   
  
“So when and where are you coming?”  
  
“Tonight in Orlando, 1 AM.”  
  
“Tonight?”  
  
“Je-I mean yes.” He’s feeling more and more embarrassed by the second.   
  
“It’s ok, I’ve been around the ‘Jeah’ for a while now,” she laughs.   
  
“JEAH!” Michael laughs too because he can’t help it. “I need to pack my bag. I’d better get going.”   
  
“Ok. I’ll let Ryan know.”  
  
“Thank you. I really mean it.”  
  
“No problem. Oh, make sure Ryan brings you by for dinner or something before you leave.”  
  
“Yeah, I will.”  
  
“Good. Have a safe flight.”  
  
Michael’s grinning when he hangs up and goes to pack his bag. Makes a mental note to pick Ryan’s mom up some of those chocolates at the airport she likes.   
  
+

“Hi Mom,” Ryan grunts, and sets down the weight he’s currently using.   
  
“Hi baby. I need you to do me a favor.”  
  
“I’m not babysitting my nieces and nephews.”  
  
“That’s not it.”  
  
“I’m not subbing at the swim club.”  
  
“That’s not it either, and don’t tell me what you will and won’t do. You may be grown, but I will still whip your ass, understood?”  
  
“Yes mom.” Ryan flushes slightly.   
  
“I need you to pick up one of your cousins. He’s flying into Orlando at one AM.”  
  
“ONE?! I have an early practice.”  
  
“I called Gregg, he’s fine with you taking a day or two off. You’re supposed to be on vacation anyway.”  
  
“Yeah I know but…”  
  
“No buts.”  
  
“Ok…”   
  
“Don’t be late baby.”  
  
“I won’t.”  
  
“Good. I love you.”  
  
“Love you too mom.”  
  
“Bye. Don’t be late!” She hangs up, snickering, before he can reply.   
  
+

The plane ride down is anxious for Michael. He always second guesses himself in everything that isn’t swimming and he wonders if maybe Ryan doesn’t want company, or if maybe he already has plans because mom’s don’t always knows everything. All he can do is hope that Ryan doesn’t have anything to do and that he doesn’t mind having him there.   
  
When he lands, he grabs his bag from the overhead and heads out to the waiting area, tries to avoid the few stares he’s getting and the pictures being taken. He sorts hoped to avoid that, but it’s not as bad as it could be, so he sucks it up. He finds Ryan’s mop of brown curls bobbing around the crowd searching for—what Michael expects Ryan thinks—is a cousin of his or something to that effect. He’s slightly surprised he isn’t late, figuring his mom must’ve made that a requirement, and smiles as he moves towards him. Michael fully intends to tap him on the shoulder and surprise him, but Ryan turns in time to see Michael attempting to creep up on him and the grin that spreads across his face is almost ridiculous. He practically runs for Michael and throws his arms around him. Michael lets out an ‘oomph’, but manages to stay on his feet, arms coming up to circle Ryan’s waist.   
  
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he mumbles into Michael’s shoulder, and Michael thinks they’re both actually shaking.   
  
He just smiles into Ryan’s neck as he hugs him closer, breathing in the scent of Ryan’s shampoo, his cologne, and something that’s undeniably just…Ryan. All together, it’s the most comforting thing in the world. It reminds him of the way his bed smells after Ryan’s gone and the reason he doesn’t change the sheets until long after the scent has evaporated. It’s the reason why the first thing he does after taking Ryan to the airport is lay face down in his pillow and just inhale. He realizes that they must look like reunited lovers or something, but it doesn’t really matter to Michael right now. All that matters is he’s in Florida with Ryan. Everything else is gravy.   
  
“I missed you so much,” Ryan half laughs as he pulls back from the hug, looking slightly embarrassed.   
  
“Me too. I conspired with your mom.”  
  
“You’re evil.”  
  
Michael just grins. He feels like his face might split when Ryan takes his hand and leads him to the door.   
  
“That the only bag you have?” he asks as they make their way to the car.   
  
“Jeah. I’ve still got stuff at your place right?”  
  
Ryan smiles. “Jeah.”  
  
“Cool.”   
  
Michael’s really glad this isn’t Baltimore. If it was, there would be reporters and full blown paparazzi here, even at this absurd hour, snapping pictures of the two of them holding hands, which might not go over that well with Bob and their agent (Gregg’s too much like Ryan to make a huge fuss over things like that). But this isn’t Baltimore, this is Gainesville. Ryan’s the closest they’ve got to a celebrity and no one really is about to get up at one in the morning to see him at the airport picking up someone that could be his sister for all they know. Michael loves that.   
  
Michael holds Ryan’s hand until they get out into the parking lot, leaning against Ryan’s car, talking about random shit, before he just pulls Ryan into another huge hug, relishing in the way it feels when their skin connects. He’s missed this, desperately and he wonders if Ryan has too. If he was a betting man, which he is, he’d say so with the way Ryan sucks in a breath and presses closer. Michael stands there holding onto him, face buried in Ryan’s neck. Without even thinking, he places a soft kiss on the skin exposed to him as he tugs Ryan as close as possible. He feels Ryan turn his head slightly and smiles because yeah, Ryan knows Michael really has a thing for his neck, for his laugh, for his smile, for his curls…for his everything and that’s…that’s almost too much for Michael to handle. To the untrained observer, like the sparse people passing by, they might seem like you’re average young couple in love. But you’d be very wrong to assume that. Well, at least the fact that they’re a couple…technically.   
  
“I really did miss you,” Michael finally mumbles, nuzzling Ryan’s tan skin with this nose.   
  
“I missed you too.” Michael can feel Ryan’s arms around his shoulders and he smiles. He kisses Ryan’s neck again and senses him tremble slightly.   
  
“How long is the drive again?”  
  
“About 2 hours.” Michael’s smile widens at the slightly glazed look in Ryan’s eyes.   
  
“Let’s go home.” And Michael means that, because wherever Ryan’s at is where home is and he hasn’t felt this at home since Beijing.   
  
“JEAH!”  
  
+

The first thing Michael does when they get to Ryan’s place, despite the fact that it’s 3 in the morning, is take a shower. That flight kinda did him in and he hopes it’ll make him, tired enough to sleep because since he’s been on the road, sleep hasn’t been good nor easy. On top of all that, when he’s with Ryan, he always feels like there’s never enough time, even if they have two weeks to just do nothing but be in each other company, so he normally doesn’t wanna sleep, just wants to watch Ryan, drink in every sound, every movement, commit it all to memory to quell his lonely nights at home alone when he’s sleeping in a shirt he’s stolen from Ryan.   
  
And like Ryan can read his mind, which he does have the uncanny ability to do sometimes, he comes into the bathroom singing softly, “ _And nobody knows you like I do, cause the world they don’t understand…but I grow stronger in your hands._  Michael stops, listening carefully as Ryan breaks off into humming, a tale tell sign he doesn’t remember the words to that part of the song, as he puts his favorite yellow headband on (one Michael bought him a few years ago) before he breaks back in, “ _We never sleep we're always holdin' hands, kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans. I feel like a better man just being in the same room. We never sleep there's just so much to do, so much to say. Can't close my eyes when I'm with you, Insatiable the way I'm loving you whoa, whoa, whoa-oh baby, yeah, oh-whoa ._ ” It makes Michael grin like an idiot as he finishes washing up.   
  
When Michael emerges, he finds Ryan spread out on the bed on his back, flipping channels on his TV. Michael flops down next to him on the bed and strokes the curls off Ryan’s forehead that have managed to escape the headband.   
  
“Hiya stranger.”  
  
“Hiya back.”  
  
Ryan breaks into giggles because that’s one of his favorite lines from one of his (secret) favorite movies.   
  
Michael smiles at the giggles because, well damn, it’s cute. Ryan’s fucking cute and Michael can’t help he loves that about him. He loves that Ryan’s adorable, and cocky, and sweet, and sexy, and…well fuck Ryan’s everything in one package. He watches as Ryan finally stifles them and just stares up at Michael, their eyes locking, and Michael thinks he could really swim the in the sapphire of Ryan’s eyes. So maybe that’s why he leans down and kisses him. He feels Ryan’s lips open to his almost instantly and slips his tongue in. This is isn’t the first time he’s ever kissed Ryan like this, and he’s lost enough in the kiss to file it away with the others.   
  
+

The first time Michael kisses Ryan is in Athens.   
  
He’s so excited after the 4x200 relay when he gets back to the room their sharing; he practically tackles Ryan to the bed and kisses him. It’s soft, barely a brush of lips against lips, but it’s enough for them to both know it’s there, that it happened. Ryan’s slightly surprised, but it doesn’t stop him from kissing back until Michael pulls away, wide-eyed, a little scared, and gets a small smile from Ryan.   
  
“Excited?” Ryan laughs softly.   
  
“Uh, yeah, sorry. I didn’t…I mean I don’t…I mean…”  
  
“It’s cool,” Ryan smiles and leans up to kiss him, and Michael thinks that yeah, this is all cool.   
  
+

The second time Michael kisses Ryan is at the 2005 world championships.   
  
He almost holds Ryan’s hand at the trials, when they’re getting announced, but stops himself short. There are pictures to prove it and Michael thinks they look really cute together, pretending that they’re not trying to hold each other’s hands. Michael surfs between his fansite and Ryan’s and as soon as the pictures are posted, Michael saves them to his computer and his phone and sends them to Ryan via text and e-mail. He misses Ryan between trials and the actual meet, and when they finally GET there, for Michael, it’s been too long.   
  
He’s rooming with Ryan (of course) and when he gets to his room, he can see that older swimmer has already arrived, via the mess of clothes on the floor from where he’s obviously changed.   
  
He finds Ryan leaning against the window on the other side of the room, because they got lucky and got a really nice view, and he goes to lean on the opposite wall.   
  
“Hiya stranger.”  
  
“Hiya back.”  
  
Michael smiles because he flew all the way down to Florida to take Ryan to see “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. It wasn’t a date per se, but they had had fun and it was an excuse to see each other between trials and the meet. Michael likes finding excuses to spend time with Ryan. Even if it’s only for a day, it doesn’t matter. It’s one more day he can enjoy.   
  
He snaps out of his thought process when he feels Ryan’s breath ghost over his neck and finds the slightly shorter swimmer in his bubble. He sees Ryan’s lips move, but the sound seems to escape his ears. He opens his mouth to ask Ryan to repeat whatever he said, but his own voice seems to refuse to work, so he just closes his mouth again.   
  
“Mike…”  
  
“Yeah?” Oh, hi voice, so nice of you to come off your lunch break.   
  
“Where are you?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“What planet are you on man? You’re really quiet today.”  
  
“Oh uhm…” Michael shrugs, because he can’t think of a comeback in time.   
  
“Just try to stay on my planet ok?”  
  
“Jeah.”  
  
Ryan smiles slightly and then Michael’s pulling him close enough to kiss him. His lips hover over Ryan’s as he studies the other man’s face for any sense of hesitation, but the only thing he finds is an openness that’s almost intimidating. He wonders if he ever looks this open for Ryan. He wants too, and that’s scarier than the look on Ryan’s face because he’s spent so much time building his walls and carefully guarding them, only to actually WANT to let them down for the man in front of him which leaves him feeling susceptible in a way he hasn’t since he was in school, but it’s different too. It’s a vulnerability he’s actually willing to have, if only for Ryan.   
  
“What’s up with you today?” Ryan suddenly murmurs and Michael blinks, his thought process evaporated.   
  
“What?”  
  
“Where are you?” Michael closes his eyes briefly and opens them again because he knows he’s heard this before. Ryan likes doing this, playing quote games, and Michael likes it too. It’s kinda fun to do this with someone who’s as big of a movie junkie as you are.   
  
“I’m right here.”  
  
“No, no you’re not.”   
  
Michael just kisses Ryan, feels Ryan’s mouth open slightly against his and feels the other man melt against him. He slides his hands up the back of Ryan’s shirt and feels him shiver slightly.   
  
‘Yeah,’ Michael thinks, ‘it’s been too long.’   
  
+

The third time Michael kisses Ryan is at the 2006 Short Courses.   
  
He pissed that Ryan beat him. He knows he shouldn’t be, he should be happy for Ryan, but he can’t, not in the aftermath.   
  
Even though they hug over the lane line and laugh in the pool, he stomps away from Ryan in the locker room and avoids him all night by hanging out with Aaron and Jason, anyone but Ryan. He doesn’t answer Ryan’s texts or messages, and eventually, he just stops looking at his phone.   
  
He knows he’s being a complete asshole. Ryan’s his best friend, but he’s also incredibly competitive by nature and losing isn’t natural to him. He hates it, hates knowing that he didn’t beat Ryan again like he was expected to.   
  
When he finally gets back to the room their sharing, it’s really fucking late, but he finds Ryan sitting cross-legged on the bed, folding his clothes and packing them away.  
  
“What’re you doing?” Michael asks, and his voice cracks on him.   
  
“Packing.” Ryan’s voice doesn’t crack, but it’s flat and unemotional, much like the expression he’s wearing and Michael hates that too.   
  
“I can see that. But where’re you going? The meet doesn’t end for another couple of days.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So where’re you going?”  
  
“Erik’s trading rooms with me. He’s rooming with PVK and since you two are like best friends or whatever, I thought I’d be generous.”  
  
“You’re not leaving.” It’s a command and it startles even Michael. His voice doesn’t crack this time.   
  
“I’m not?”  
  
“No, you’re not.”  
  
“What do you care? You’re pissed off anyway.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”   
  
“No, you’re not. It’s doesn’t matter anyway.” Michael watches as he zips up his suitcase and sets it on the floor.   
  
“Ry—please don’t—” But he doesn’t have time to finish before there’s a knock on the door and Ryan’s answering it.   
  
“Hey Erik.”  
  
“Lochte.” Erik almost never calls Ryan by his first name. They don’t exactly get along and Michael kinda wonders if he was being that much of an asshole that Ryan went and talked to Erik.   
  
“Here’s your key.” Michael’s mouth opens in protest, but nothing comes out until the door is clicking behind Ryan.   
  
“Just like old times huh?” Erik grins and Michael just sits at the foot of the bed. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I miss Ryan.”  
  
“You were an asshole to him all day. Besides, he just left, how can you fucking miss him?”  
  
“I just do.”  
  
Erik rolls his eyes. “It’ll be great man, forget about Lochte.”  
  
But Michael can’t he just curls up on the bed and tries to go to sleep.   
  
*

At the end of the meet, Jason has a party in his room. Ryan’s been avoiding Michael since he left their room and Michael’s been more miserable than he can ever remember.   
  
Erik drags him to the party and he hates it until he sees Ryan leaning against the bar…alone. He thinks Jason’s’ lucky he got a suite.   
  
He goes up behind Ryan and slips his arms around his waist. He feels Ryan shift and then the realization settle in. He can tell because Ryan’s skin heats up, and even though he might be unaware, Michael can feel him press back against him slightly. Ryan just takes another sip of whatever it is he’s drinking.   
  
“You want another one?” Michael narrows his eyes when he sees Kyle come to stand in front of Ryan, but backs off slightly. Whatever Ryan’s drinking is strong enough that Michael can practically feel the burn from where he’s standing and he doesn’t like the idea of Kyle trying to ‘get him another one.’   
  
“I haven’t even finished this yet,” Ryan laughs lightly as he twirls the glass around, but there’s no real humor behind it.   
  
“What the fuck is it?” Kyle asks, wrinkling his nose at the black liquid.   
  
“Black Sambuca.”  
  
Kyle leans in slightly and sniffs. “What proof?”  
  
“100.”  
  
“Damn,” he whispers and takes the glass from Ryan’s hand. Ryan just smirks as Kyle sips and his face instantly scrunches as he coughs. “God Ry, are you trying to kill yourself?”  
  
“No. I like it.”  
  
“That’s like fucking battery acid.”  
  
“Ok.”  
  
“You’re crazy.”  
  
“So I’ve been told.”  
  
“And bitchy.”  
  
“I’m PMSing.”  
  
Kyle rolls his eyes and leans over the counter for a bottle of water. “You should quit drinking that shit. Have something like Crown Royal or Hennessey or some shit, something smooth that won't fucking kill you.”  
  
It’s Ryan’s turn to roll his eyes as leans closer to the other man. “Stop trying to be ghetto Ky, cuz it just don’t work on you. Besides, I had a V.S.O.P. earlier.”  
  
“Are you TRYING to get drunk?”  
  
Ryan leans back and merely shrugs as he takes another sip.   
  
“Whatever man. You shouldn’t let Phelps get to you this bad,” Kyle mutters as he shakes his head and walks off.   
  
Michael steps back up, replacing his arms around Ryan’s waist, feels him almost imperceptibly lean back against his taller frame and one arm come up to cover his.   
  
“You wanna dance?” Michael asks, as close to Ryan’s ear as possible. They’re playing the quote game again and Michael knows for sure Ryan knows how this one goes.   
  
“There isn’t any music.”  
  
“Of course there is.” Michael starts humming something random and Ryan snorts.   
  
“No.”  
  
“C’mon. All you have to do is turn around.”  
  
“I thought you liked it better like this. That way we can continue to ignore each other. Or maybe you can pretend I’m Erik and pretend to get along with me.”  
  
Michael sucks in a breath. “Ooh, you’re mean.” When he doesn’t get a response, he steps back slightly. “Look at me.”  
  
Ryan finishes off his drink and turns around, setting the glass down on the bar. He can see the remnants of the dark liquid clinging to the ice cubes.   
  
“C’mon, let’s go hang out or something.”   
  
“Thanks for the invite, but I don’t like sore losers all that much.”  
  
“That was last week Ryan.”  
  
“You were a sore loser last week, you’re a sore loser now.” Goes to walk off, feels his wrist caught. “Mike…”  
  
“I’m sorry ok?”  
  
“No, it’s not ok. You treated me like shit Mike just because I won for once. You ALWAYS win, can’t I have something sometimes too? You can’t always be the best Michael, there’s always gonna be someone better than you. On any given Sunday you’re gonna win or you’re gonna lose. The question is, can you win or lose like a man?”  
  
Michael just stands there for a while, thumb tracing small circles on Ryan’s wrist, before tugging him close. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“No you’re not.”  
  
“Yes I am. I’m used to being first ok? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve acted like that. You’re my best friend and I should’ve been happy for you.”  
  
“Yeah, you should’ve.”  
  
“I’m sorry Ry.”  
  
“Right.”  
  
“I am.” He brushes his lips over Ryan’s quickly, tastes something unfamiliar, decides it must be the Sambuca and that it’s not half bad, or maybe it’s just because it’s mixed with that familiar undertone that’s all Ryan. Licks his lips, brushes them over Ryan’s again. “Let’s go hang out.”   
  
Ryan starts to say no, but there’s something in Michael’s face that breaks his resolve. “Ok.”  
  
Michael leads them both down the hall to his room. They’re hardly in the door before he’s kissing Ryan. They’re not a couple, they’re not even pretending to date, but Michael craves this, needs it. It’s not even sex, it’s just kissing Ryan, being with him, to know he’s there. That’s all he actually needs. “I really missed you,” he murmurs against Ryan’s already swollen mouth.   
  
“Liar.”  
  
“I did.”  
  
“Missed you too. Don’t act like a fucktard again, got it?”   
  
Michael just grins and kisses him once more.   
  
+

The fourth time Michael kisses Ryan is at the 2007 World Championships.   
  
Michael finds Ryan jumping up and down on the bed in their hotel room, excitement running through him from his win against Aaron. When he catches sight of Michael, he stops jumping and slams down on the bed on his knees.   
  
“I won Mike.”  
  
“I know, I was watching. You swam one helluva race.”   
  
Ryan grins as Michael kneels in front of him and places his hands on Ryan’s hips. “Aaron was kinda pissed though, I think.”  
  
“Jeah, he should be. You kicked his ass.”  
  
“Jeah.”   
  
Michael smiles and pulls Ryan into a soft kiss. “You deserve it.”  
  
+

The fifth time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
It’s after the 400 IM when they’re back in the hotel room. They’re not rooming together, officially, this time. Michael’s got a big ass suite all to himself and Ryan’s rooming with Cullen.   
  
Unofficially, Ryan never unpacked into Cullen’s room and Cullen’s not really mad about it. They hang and shit, but he’s been around enough to know how this shit works and it’s nothing personal. Besides, he likes having his own space, especially since Ryan’s sick.   
  
Ryan toes off his shoes and crawls into Michael’s bed. The room’s spinning and he feels like if he moves any more than he already has, the little he has eaten today will come up or come out…again. He thinks he’s NEVER had a hangover this bad and fuck, he’ll stop drinking if he ever does.   
  
Having food poisoning or the stomach flu, or whatever the fuck it is he has, isn’t fun at all and it’s sorta fucking with his training which sucks, but he doesn’t complain. He’s learned how to suck shit up and deal with it. He lays there, curled into as tight a ball as he can get into and just focuses on breathing through his nose.   
  
He’s not sure how he even managed a bronze in the IM, but it doesn’t matter now. He looks at it sitting on the nightstand and smiles slightly. He feels the bed dip from behind and Michael’s hand is on his shoulder rolling him over.   
  
“Mike?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t. Make. Me. Move.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“You’ve moved me already, it better be good.”  
  
Michael leans down and kisses him. Ryan’s mouth tastes like toothpaste and Big Red, probably since he’s lived in the bathroom the past week and yeah, he really needed some help in the breath department. It doesn’t matter though; Michael can still taste him under it all as he sucks on Ryan’s tongue lightly. He feels Ryan’s hand come up to his neck and takes the opportunity to pull back enough for a breath.   
  
“What’s that for?” Ryan asks when they part, half-heartedly trying to follow Michael’s mouth up.   
  
“For making me a better swimmer.”  
  
Ryan flushes and closes his eyes. “They’re like chocolate diamonds,” he says suddenly, and Michael really doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, except that he’s getting off too serious a topic for him.   
  
“What are?”  
  
“You’re eyes, they’re like chocolate diamonds.”   
  
It’s Michael’s turn to blush. “Not.”  
  
“Ok, maybe you’re right.” He chuckles at Michael’s frown. “Maybe more like cognac diamonds then.”  
  
“They’re not like diamonds.”  
  
“Jeah they are.”  
  
“Not.”  
  
“They are to me.”  
  
Michael smiles. “Yours are like sapphires.”   
  
Ryan grins and leans up to kiss him.   
  
“I thought you didn’t want to move.”  
  
“I can move enough for that.”   
  
+

The sixth time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
Ryan’s almost asleep. He’s still not feeling all that well, but he managed to widen Team USA’s lead in the 4x200 and for that, Michael kisses his shoulder softly and slips an arm around him.   
  
“Ry?”  
  
“Hmm…”  
  
“You asleep?”  
  
“That’s a dumbass question. If I was asleep, I wouldn’t’ve answered you anyway.”  
  
“Doesn’t matter.”  
  
Ryan turns to look at Michael and his lips are almost instantly engulfed. Michael doesn’t have to tell him why, he just tightens his hold on Ryan as he explores his mouth with his tongue.   
  
+

The seventh time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
Ryan has just enough time after the awards ceremony for the 200 back to get into the warm down pool and do a few laps before he has to swim against Michael. He’s thankful the pool is completely empty when he slips into it.   
  
He’s in the midst doing his laps when he realizes he can’t move and that there are hands on his hips.   
  
“What the fu—” he starts when he lifts his head, but he stops short and smiles when he spots Michael. He feels Michael’s thumbs rubbing circles on his hips as he asks, “What’re you doing? I gotta warm down.”  
  
“You’re warming down.”  
  
“Mike, c’mon man, let go.” Michael just tugs on Ryan until he has no choice but to stand, well as best as he can. “Mike, what’re you doing?”  
  
Michael pulls Ryan close and slips his arms around him. “This,” he murmurs and kisses him softly.   
  
“Michael…” Ryan warns, pulling away. “You can’t do that shit here.”  
  
“Mmm.” Michael just smiles and runs his hands down Ryan’s back. He feels Ryan’s leg twist around his for balance as he leans into the touch. Michael lets his hands rest on Ryan’s ass. He’s thankful they’re below the water.   
  
“Mike…we—” But Michael’s got his lips in another kiss and Ryan’s arms seem to find their own way around Michael’s shoulders. When Michael pulls back, he rests his forehead against Ryan’s.   
  
“This is dangerous Mike,” Ryan murmurs. “If anyone sees…”   
  
“You did great in the 200 back. I’m glad you kicked Peirsol’s ass.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Seriously, I’m proud of you.”  
  
Ryan flushes slightly. “Thanks.”   
  
“Now I get to kick yours.”  
  
“It was a great run Mike, but it had to close out someday. You can’t win ‘em all.”  
  
“You haven’t won anything yet.”  
  
Ryan opens his mouth to protest, but Michael’s tongue is too busy occupying it for him to say anything smart.   
  
+

The eighth time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
They’re heading back to village with their families, the two of them sandwiched between the Lochte’s/Deery’s and the Phelps’. When Michael thinks it’s safe, he takes Ryan’s hand and holds it tight for the rest of the trip back to the village.   
  
“Congratulations Michael,” he vaguely hears Steve Lochte tell him and he smiles.   
  
“Thanks. If it wasn’t for Ryan, I don’t think I could be doing this.”  
  
“JEAH!” Ryan grins and pulls Michael away. “We really gotta get back guys. We’ll catch you later for dinner.”   
  
He pulls Michael as quickly as he can from the crowd of family and into their hotel. He pushes the button for the elevator and they wait in silence, still holding hands.   
  
As soon as they’re inside the elevator, Michael’s got Ryan pressed against the wall.   
  
“You swam a damn good race.”  
  
“You won.”  
  
Michael nods and kisses him, harder than he means too, but it doesn't matter when Ryan’s sucking on his bottom lip.   
  
“I still couldn’t’ve done it without you.”  
  
“Just thank me when you get all 8 golds.”   
  
+

The ninth time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
He’s done with his last race and ceremony, but he can’t find the most important thing—Ryan. He finds his mom and his sisters in the stands. They’re crying and saying how proud of him they are and Michael smiles, but he’s still trying to find Ryan. Ryan isn’t with the other athletes or his family and Michael get’s broody because what if Ryan wasn’t there to see the race and the ceremony? He heads back to the locker room feeling kind of dejected, especially because he expects Ryan is with Kyle since he’s nowhere else, or maybe he’s having all you can eat McDonalds. It doesn’t matter, all Michael can think about is the fact that he’s not here. He opens the door and finds a curly head swimmer emptying a locker. Ryan turns at the noise and smiles.   
  
“Oh hey Mi—ooph.” Michael practically runs for him. He manages to have Ryan lifted and pressed up against the lockers in seconds. Ryan’s legs are around Michael’s hips and Michael thinks that he could stay like this forever, settled between Ryan’s strong thighs.   
  
“I—won…I won everything…I fucking did it,” Michael finally blurts and Ryan chuckles.   
  
“No shit Sherlock. I was there remember?”  
  
“Jeah. It’s because of you, you know.”  
  
“Michael…”  
  
“I mean it Ry. If it wasn’t for you, I couldn’t’ve done this. You kept me sane and in line enough to do this. You gave me enough confidence to be like ‘fuck the rest of you guys, I can do it’.”  
  
“I didn’t do anything Michael.”  
  
“You pushed me like you always do. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, seriously.”  
  
“It if wasn’t for Bob you mean. He’s the one who made you the swimmer you are Michael. I’m just…I’m your friend, I didn’t do shit.”  
  
“No, I mean…fuck it.”   
  
He takes a deep breath then leans up and kisses Ryan and something’s different this time. Ryan thinks it feels more intense, more meaningful, like Michael's trying to force him to believe it’s because of him through this kiss and he tries to match it with his own enthusiasm.   
  
It takes him a minute to recognize the soft moan that floats out is his own. Michael’s pressing harder against him and when Ryan shifts, it sends a jolt of electricity through him. He pulls back from the kiss, eyes glassy.   
  
“Mike…”  
  
“Let’s go back to the village.”  
  
“Jeah.”   
  
But Michael doesn’t move. He pulls back slightly, just enough that Ryan can slide down the lockers a little, adequate that Michael can bury his face in Ryan’s neck.   
  
“It really is because of you Ry, I mean that. You’re the one.”  
  
“I believe you,” Ryan murmurs and kisses the top of his head   
  
+

The tenth time Michael kisses Ryan is in Beijing.   
  
They’re finally back in the room they’re unofficially sharing and Michael’s never been so thankful for a bedroom in his life.   
  
If anyone was to walk in, yeah, this would be sorta compromising, the fact that he’s laying on top of Ryan, nestled between the other man’s thighs. Yeah…But he’s too busy relishing in the feel of Ryan’s hands massaging his back to really be doing anything else. He hasn’t been this relaxed in…he’s not sure how long. The weight of Beijing has been on his shoulders since Athens and now, now he feels like it’s all over and he can breathe. He feels like the slow movement of Ryan’s hands is helping him unwind.   
  
“I’m really happy for you,” Ryan suddenly murmurs as he runs a hand over Michael’s head. Michael looks up and smiles.   
  
“I love you.”   
  
No, actually Michael had meant to say something like ‘thanks’ or ‘even though I beat you a couple of times?’ But his brain seemed to have something different to say, so he just lays there, staring at Ryan, waiting. He’s not sure what he’s waiting for; for him to freak out, for him to say it back, both, neither.   
  
“I love you too Mike.”   
  
Michael let’s out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He’s not positive if it’s the words or the fact that Ryan seems so fucking sure that has him locking their lips together, but he thinks as he starts sucking on Ryan’s tongue, that it honestly doesn’t matter.   
  
+

As many times as they’ve kissed, Michael thinks it’s never been this heavy. It’s gotten damn close, but they’ve never been like this, they’ve never pushed it this far, and it’s dangerous.   
  
They’ve never taken it to the next level, no matter how much Michael wanted too. He’s not sure WHY they haven’t, they just…didn’t. Maybe because he wasn’t 100% sure Ryan wanted it, but he can tell he wants it now the way he’s pressing up against Michael.   
  
At first Michael thinks Ryan’s trying to make him to get off of him with the way he’s moving his hips—since sex isn’t something Michael’s had a lot of—but when Michael moves to do just that Ryan’s thighs tighten on his hips. So he tries to figure out exactly what Ryan wants. He gets the gist, he wants the specifics.   
  
“For once, stop fucking thinking so much Michael,” Ryan mutters, pulling back from the kiss.   
  
“I’m not.”  
  
“You are. I can feel your brain working from here. You think about EVERYTHING.”  
  
“I have to.”  
  
“No you don’t. This—” he leans up to kiss Michael. “This isn’t swimming; this isn’t counting your strokes to make sure they’re right, this isn’t about working on form or worrying about what’s around you. This is just about feeling, about you and me. Stop trying to figure it all out ok? Just go with how it’s feeling. Stop thinking about it and just…do.”  
  
“I’m not thinking.”  
  
“You’re thinking if we’re still talking.”   
  
“I’m not, I just wanna know what you want.”  
  
“You don’t have to figure it all out in the first go Mike ok? Just, let it flow.”   
  
“Ok.”  
  
Michael falls silent for a minute and Ryan rolls his eyes. “You’re thinking again.”   
  
“I’m…what if we fuck this up?” Because Michael knows lying to Ryan is futile. He’d have a better chance of fooling his mom.   
  
“Fuck what up Mike?”  
  
“This, us…our friendship, relationship…everything. I really couldn’t take it if we fucked it all up.”  
  
“We’re not gonna fuck it up,” Ryan sighs and lifts his hips against Michael slightly. “Now stop thinking, please.”  
  
Michael nods and goes back to just kissing Ryan and yeah, this is easy. He stops thinking and manages to get both their shirts off and is happily sucking on Ryan’s neck.   
  
He feels Ryan lift his hips again. Ryan’s pretty persistent when he wants something bad enough.   
  
“Are you sure?” Michael mutters, lifting his head to look at Ryan.   
  
“Jeah. I’ve been sure since the first time you kissed me, you’re the one who wasn’t sure.”  
  
Michael smiles and kisses him again as he slips a hand between them.   
  
+

This is all new to Michael and he assumes it is to Ryan too. He hopes it is, but he honestly doesn’t want to ask. He knows it’s kinda selfish to want to be the first guy Ryan’s ever been with, but he doesn’t really care. When it comes to Ryan, hell yeah he’s selfish and he has no remorse about it.   
  
When he pushes the first finger into Ryan, he’s studying Ryan’s face hard, because the last thing he wants to do is hurt him.   
  
“Stop thinking,” Ryan hisses. Michael smiles and slowly stars moving his finger until Ryan’s breath is speeding up and he slips the second in. He watches the way Ryan lifts his hips when he brushes his fingers over something. “Fuck, Michael…” Ryan moans softly and pushes back against him.   
  
Michael takes his time stretching and preparing Ryan until he’s got the other man as nothing more than a trembling heap on the bed.   
  
“You ok?” he murmurs as he starts pushing his way inside. He knows there’s no way, even with the prep, that Ryan isn’t feeling this. But Ryan just nods and tightens his thighs around Michael’s hips. Michael inches his way in, slow enough to have Ryan rocking his head to side on the pillow by the time he’s fully within the older man.   
  
“Michael, come ON,” Ryan moans as Michael pulls back to take his first thrust.   
  
“Be patient.”  
  
“Michael…” and this time it comes out like a whine. “Please.”   
  
When Michael pushes back in, he can tell by the way Ryan’s fingers dig into his back that he’s not going to last long and he’s definitely not hurting. So he takes it slow and smiles at the dirty things falling from Ryan’s mouth between kisses.   
  
When Michael feels Ryan tense up, he rests his forehead against Ryan’s and murmurs, “I love you Ry.” He barely finishes when Ryan’s exploding between the two of them. He seems to pull Michael deeper, which in turn sets him off. He feels Ryan tighten around him even more as they ride out their orgasms together.   
  
When Ryan’s cooled down a bit, he hugs Michael closer and whispers, “I love you too.”   
  
+

Michael wakes to the feeling of something wet on his fingers. He grunts and opens his eyes to find himself staring at expanses of tan skin. He kisses Ryan’s shoulder softly before lifting his head to discover Carter licking at him. He wiggles his fingers slightly and moves to wipe them on the sheets.   
  
“It’s too early,” he tells the dog who snorts at him and leaves, nose turned up in the air. Michael snickers and goes to move to find he’s still quite connected to Ryan who shifts under him, sighing quietly. He smiles slightly as the memories of the night before some flooding back, and strokes Ryan’s curls out of his face as he leans down to kiss him softly. “Morning Ry.”   
  
“Mmm, too early…still sleeping,” Ryan mumbles groggily and Michael laughs.   
  
“Yeah me too but, I think we should at least, you know,” because he knows Ryan’ll get it once he shifts his hips. But Ryan doesn’t get it…well he DOES, he just gets the wrong message because instead of trying to help Michael disentangle the two of them, Ryan moans softly, legs instantly tightening around Michael.   
  
“Ry, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” he laughs quietly but Ryan cuts him off by pressing back slightly and running his hands up Michael’s back. Michael’s about to make another comment…really, he is, but the look in Ryan’s eyes is saying ‘please’ and well…well…well shit. Michael sucks in a breath and pushes forward gently. They find a rhythm easily enough and Michael starts sucking on Ryan’s neck, his hands exploring over Ryan’s thighs.   
  
“Fuck Michael,” Ryan moans softly, arching up against him. “I…please…”   
  
Michael smiles slightly and picks up the pace. He kinda wonders why they didn’t do this earlier because wow. Ryan seems to feel the same way as he tightens around Michael.   
  
Michael knows Ryan well enough now, even though this is a whole new area of their relationship, to sense when he’s close. He brushes his lips over Ryan’s letting the older swimmer take control of the kiss as he speeds up his actions. He watches as Ryan’s eyes flutter closed and everything tenses up at once before letting go. Even though he’s expecting it, it still catches Michael by surprise enough to push him over the edge himself.   
  
It’s enough to make him sleepy all over again, but he moves enough to pull out gently. Ryan’s almost instantly curled into his side and he smiles, wrapping his arms around him.   
  
+

“Can I ask you something?” Michael questions, looking down at Ryan who’s flipping channels still curled around Michael. He’s still kinda groggy from their nap, but he really wants to know.   
  
“You just did.”  
  
“Smart ass.”  
  
Ryan smirks. “What’s up?”  
  
“Just…I mean…am I…never mind.”  
  
“Michael, what is it?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“C’mon.”  
  
“Just…am I the first guy you ever…you know…”   
  
“The first guy I’ve ever slept with?”  
  
“Everything.” As soon as it’s out, Michael wishes he hadn’t asked because he’s not sure he wants to know anymore.   
  
Ryan rises up on his arm to look at Michael. “You’re the first guy I’ve ever fooled around with.”  
  
“But you kissed someone else?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, it was awhile ago but yeah.”  
  
Michael flops back on the bed and glares up at the ceiling. He knows he honestly doesn’t have a right to be upset, but that doesn’t stop him from resenting whoever it was. He blinks when Ryan’s face appears above his.   
  
“Mike?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“You’re not gonna be weird now, are you?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Ok…”  
  
“Do I know him?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“That guy you…kissed…do I know him?”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“Who is it?”  
  
“Kyle.” Michael scrunches his face. “He’s my friend Mike. Besides, we were drunk and it was homecoming…and well yeah.”  
  
“Have you ever done anything else?” Yeah Michael, just keep digging what hole why don’t you?  
  
“No.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Well…”  
  
“Shit,” is all Michael can say as he covers his face with his hands.   
  
“It wasn’t anything.”  
  
“It was something.” It’s muffled, but Ryan gets it.   
  
“I mean…I might’ve given him a handjob once.”  
  
“Right.” Michael digs the palms of his hands into his eyes and his mouth tightens into a thin line.   
  
“Mike…this doesn’t change anything between us…right?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“It was a while ago and it didn’t mean anything. We never did anything else, honest.”  
  
“Ok.”  
  
“We’re ok though, right?”  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Yeah.” Michael turns over on his side so he’s facing Ryan’s bathroom.   
  
“Mike?” Ryan tries, but Michael doesn’t answer. Ryan bites his lips and lays back on the bed.   
  
+

Michael knows he’s being stupid by being mad about it, but he can’t help it. It pisses him off that Ryan’s the first guy he’s ever done anything with and yet Michael’s not Ryan’s first. He didn’t really expect to be, but he was hoping.   
  
He ignores Ryan long enough that he ends up falling back asleep and when he wakes up, there’s a piece of paper on his chest.   
  
“ Went to get some stuff for dinner. BBS. ”  
  
He puts the note aside and slides out from under the covers, gropes around for his boxers and realizes the only ones around are a pair of Ryan’s hanging from a basket of folded clothes. He grabs them and slips them on. His stomach protests to the lack of food, so he detours from the shower to the kitchen. He stops when he spots a mop of curly hair.   
  
Ryan looks up from where he’s washing his hands at the sink. “Hey.”  
  
“Hey.” Michael sniffs and smells garlic and ginger…but he doesn’t see any take out cartons. “Are you  _cooking_?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Is it going to kill me?”  
  
“You can always eat McDonalds.”   
  
“What’s that?” Michael asks, changing the subject, and pointing to some white appliance on Ryan’s counter.  
  
“A rice maker.”  
  
“A rice maker? When did you get a rice maker?”   
  
“I’ve had it. My mom gave it to me because I always burn rice on the stove.”   
  
“Since when do you  _cook_?”  
  
“Since my mom taught me.”  
  
“Asshole.”  
  
“I’ll leave the jokes out.”   
  
“What’re you making?”  
  
“Salmon.”  
  
“I love salmon.”  
  
“I know.” Ryan smiles slightly as he dries his hands off.   
  
“How much longer?”  
  
“It’s not even cooking yet. It’s gotta marinate for an hour or two and then I’ll cook it.”  
  
“It has too?”  
  
“Yes Michael.”  
  
“But I’m hungry now.”  
  
Ryan smirks at him. “Oh I’m sorry. Does my whittle baby Mikey need some num-nums?”  
  
“Uh, jeah, he does.”   
  
Ryan hands Michael a small take out carton. “Here, they’re potstickers. I picked those up while I was out. They were supposed to go along with dinner.”   
  
Michael takes the carton and instantly starts into them.   
  
“Well damn, maybe I wanted some too you know.”  
  
“Did you…oh, shit,” Michael laughs as parts of the filling fall out of his mouth. Ryan just rolls his eyes and takes the carton back.   
  
“Go shower, I’ll save you some.”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“Jeah, now go wash your ass.”   
  
Michael sticks his tongue out, but does as he’s told.  
  
+

When Michael emerges from his shower, Ryan’s turning the fish over in whatever he’s marinated them in.   
  
Michael smiles and comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s waist and resting his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. It’s easy to forget you’re supposed to be mad at him. “Smells really good Ry.”  
  
“Thanks. I’ll put it on soon.”   
  
“Good, cuz I’m still hungry.”  
  
“Then eat the rest of the potstickers.”  
  
Michael reached around Ryan to grab them from the counter. “Thanks.”   
  
He bounces off for the living room and parks himself on the couch. He can hear the water running in the kitchen and Ryan moving around in there. He doesn’t wanna sound like a baby, asking Ryan to come in there with him so his next best option?  
  
“Ry?”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“Can you come here?”  
  
It takes Ryan a second before he appears, standing in front of Michael.   
  
“What?” Michael smiles because he likes it when Ryan’s impatient.   
  
“Nothing, I just wanted you to come and sit in here.”  
  
Ryan rolls his eyes, but sits beside him. He watches Michael eat the rest of the potstickers for a bit. When Michael finally sets the carton down, he’s smiling again.   
  
“Will you pass me the remote?”  
  
Ryan glances down and smiles too. “It’s in the middle of the table.”  
  
“Oh, is that the middle of the table?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s between you and me.”  
  
And Michael pulls of Brad Pitt’s ‘WTF’ face perfectly which causes Ryan to burst into giggles.   
  
“Wanna play Halo?” Ryan finally asks, once his giggles have subsided.  
  
“Sure, but you know I’m gonna kick your ass.  
*  
“Still alive baby?” Ryan asks, smiling triumphant as he sets his controller down.   
  
“Shut up.”  
  
Ryan smirks and leans over, putting himself nose to nose with Michael. “Who’s your daddy now?”  
  
Michael just smiles and kisses him. “Fix dinner, I’m hungry.”  
  
“Yes sir!” Ryan salutes and heads to the kitchen.   
  
+

“You’re really quiet.”  
  
“Haven’t you heard that when no one’s talking it means the foods really good?”  
  
“Is it?”  
  
“Jeah. From now on, you’re cooking when you come to stay.”   
  
Ryan smiles and finishes his plate.   
  
“When are you coming to stay?”   
  
“You haven’t even left my place yet!”  
  
“I know, I just…I was thinking that maybe when I do leave…you know…” Michael shrugs, something he does when he’s feeling unsure.   
  
“What do you want Michael?”  
  
“You know what I’m asking.”  
  
“Yeah, but I wanna hear you say it.”   
  
Michael sighs and leans back in his chair. “I…I thought maybe you’d fly back to Baltimore with me.” And Michael half expect Ryan to say something like, ‘I’ll ask Gregg’ or ‘Maybe.’  
  
“Ok.”  
  
“Well, I know you have to train and shit and…ok?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But, don’t you start training soon?”  
  
“Is the water any different in B-More?”  
  
“Will Gregg let you do that?”  
  
“Will Bob let me?”  
  
“Yeah…you’re sure?”  
  
“Having second thoughts already?”  
  
“No, it’s just that I know how hard it is to get back into your training routine.”  
  
“Michael, it’s fine, I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Think you can handle one of Bob’s killer workouts?”  
  
“Do dogs pee on brick walls?”   
  
Michael laughs. “Jeah.”  
  
“Jeah baby.”   
  
+

Michael shifts and opens his eyes. He looks down at his watch and hits the button that lights up the screen: 0222.   
  
He smiles when he feels Ryan’s head snuggle into his shoulder even more and looks down at Ryan’s sleeping face. He knows he shouldn’t but what the hell. The plane is mostly empty, especially since they’re flying first class, so Michael turns on the overhead light, pulls out his cell phone, and takes a picture of Ryan’s sleeping form.   
  
Ryan shifts against Michael even more and when he turns back towards him after checking the picture, Ryan’s mouth is right there. If Ryan were awake he’d be saying ‘this is dangerous Mike…if anyone sees…’, even though he’s not usually the more responsible one (he is when it comes to jeopardizing Michael’s career though), but Ryan’s NOT awake, so Michael kisses him and yeah, he’s crazy enough to take a picture or two.   
  
He feels Ryan’s hand creep under his shirt and yeah, ok, so he takes a picture of that too. He can’t help that he wants the keep memories like this, because eventually Ryan has to go home and they can’t always follow each other back and forth between the G-Spot and B-More. So Michael enjoys the kiss he’s sharing with Ryan, secretly even more as he takes the pictures.   
  
When Ryan finally pulls away, Michael Can’t help but take a picture of that look in his eyes and the way is lips are shinning and swollen. He leans forward and nuzzles Ryan’s nose. “I love you.” Actually, that’s not what he wanted to say, but that seems to be what he meant and Ryan just smiles.   
  
“I love you too Mike.”  
  
Michael smiles, especially when Ryan says, “Hey, how do you think Bob would react if I decided I wanted to spend half my training year in B-More?”


End file.
